A lot of people have asked me when I got really into yoga, why I lived in Spain, why I left, etc. so I decided to share this for anyone who’s curious. There’s a whole lot more to this story, but this is a brief snippet. Maybe you can relate to a piece of it. As I write this in 2024, I most certainly do not have it all figured out, but I can say with confidence that I’ve found more inner peace than ever before in my adult life. No matter what daily life brings, I know deep down that all is well.

First things first, let’s define yoga. As I’ve learned, yoga is a yoking/uniting of the mind, body, and spirit. It’s about calming the mind. Asana (body movement) is just a branch of yoga. Don’t get me wrong, this human body is incredible, but being “really into yoga” is not about forward folds and downward facing dogs. It’s about the journey of self-discovery that helps free us from suffering. It’s uncovering that deep peace and potential that’s often buried inside of us.

Yoga became a part of my exercise routine many years ago and honestly, I did not love it. Being an athlete for most of my life, I’d often leave class wishing it were more of a physical workout. Little by little, however, I started to notice what felt like a magic spark during and after class. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was, but I knew that yoga was worthwhile. In retrospect, I wasn't ready to take in all that the practice had to offer. I had no idea how yang-centered my life was and how disconnected I was from myself, the self before the outside world told me what role I should play. As David Allen points out, “Information is always available, but we are not always available to the information.”

I spent most of my career as an elementary school teacher in New Jersey. As incredibly fulfilling as this work was, I got caught up in allowing too many expectations from the system and everyday life to drain me. I was definitely somewhat of a perfectionist and didn't know how to set healthy boundaries. I knew that if life continued the way it was, I’d most likely end up with ulcers or some other auto-immune disorder. (I skipped the part where I was the over-achieving teenager and then grieving college student, but I’ll save that for another time. I had some solid fun throughout all of this; I promise!)

Looking back at most of my 20’s and 30’s, I was also feeling an underlying stress from the timeline we’re placed on. There was this belief that there must be something wrong if we’re not on the same path as everyone around us. Even though life was generally good, I had that feeling of… I suppose I’ll be really happy once I get the partner, the goal weight, the home, the security...etc. (I did have some lovely relationships that could’ve led to marriage and kids, but something in me would signal that it didn’t feel right at the time.)

All of this, combined with the fast-paced, competitive culture that I was immersed in, left me with a nagging feeling that I was never doing enough or never arriving at the place I was supposed to be.

At age 37, I decided to take a big leap outside of the only fish bowl I knew and move to Madrid, Spain. I went solo and the intention in my heart was to give myself space and time to breathe. I mean really breathe for the 2017-18 school year. I chose a country where the climate was warmer, the cost of living was lower, the pace was slower, and I could understand some of the language. I taught English as a way to make money and studied Spanish as a way to get a visa, but neither was truly my top priority. Again, I genuinely wanted to give myself time to pause and experience a culture that was very different than the one I had spent 37 years in. I knew this would help me reassess life and how I was choosing to live it.

A year of incredible and difficult experiences flew by and I didn’t anticipate how much work and energy would go into just getting settled. My school district in NJ needed to know if I was returning and after many nights of tossing and turning, I decided to extend my Spanish visa another year. For the record, my Spanish stunk at the time. Despite what many think, when you’re an English teacher living in a major city, you don’t just learn a language through osmosis, or at least I don’t. Either way, it just felt too soon to head back to the states. This meant resigning from a wonderful school district and letting go of job security for life, which led to selling my car, giving up my fantastic Hoboken apartment, and opening up to a very uncertain future. With all that being said, it still felt right.

I was also lucky to be part of a friendly group of expats from all over the map who helped make everyday life more enjoyable. To add, being stationed in Madrid gave me the chance to travel around Spain and other parts of Europe easily and economically. During summers when the heat in Madrid is relentless, I utilized a work exchange program and lived with some incredible Spanish families, volunteered at "ReFood" in Lisbon, worked at a hostel along Camino de Santiago, and/or visited home. (This pic is from the beautiful region of Cantabria where I stayed with a host family who had a major impact on my view of family life.)

I could write a book on my time in Spain and all that I learned and unlearned, but here’s the brief version. In all, I found Spanish culture to be lighter and more present than anything I’d experienced at home. Coffee could easily last two hours. Work emails do not make their way into lunchtime. A meal with a Spanish family consisted of preparing, cooking, talking, and eating together, before cleaning up together. Napping isn’t frowned upon. What you do for work isn’t the first question asked. Physical touch and laughter are the norm. Nobody I met seemed overly stressed about a mortgage that they couldn’t afford and nobody felt stuck due to health insurance, but that’s a conversation for another day. They took their vacation days, without guilt, and celebrated their holidays for longer than I ever realized a holiday could last. The pace of the lifestyle made me really question my life back in the states. What is this rush all about?

Throughout this time, I continued to exercise regularly at local gyms or parks and my yoga practice consisted of weekly classes with a good friend and a bunch of gorgeous single men who weren’t attracted to females.

It wasn’t until the lockdown of 2020, when I found myself confined to a small apartment with zero outdoor space that I decided to dig even deeper into that lingering unease inside of me that would surface whenever I wasn’t distracting myself. The reality is that wherever you go, there you are. Take someone miserable and plant them in what's considered paradise and they'll still be miserable within a few days. I wasn't miserable, but I also knew that there had to be more joy and peace in me that I wasn't in tune with regularly.

It was time to get honest about my fears, unhealthy habits, and the fact that I believed validation and happiness were found outside of me. The fears and habits, you ask? To name a few: Can I release this feeling that I’m late? Can I lessen the thoughts that something tragic will happen to a family member? Do I rely on alcohol to relax? And although both cultures I'm part of view that as fine, does one have true freedom when there's an attachment to an outside substance for relief? Whose opinions actually matter? What old stories are still playing a damaging role in my life? Am I at peace with not having a biological child? Why do I avoid asking for any favors? Do I listen to others more than my intuition?

This is where my personal practice took form.

From that point on, rather than begin my mornings with texts, news, scrolling, or the to-do list, I started every morning on the floor with the following:

-Guided meditation from Insight Timer or Headspace

-My own sequence of body movements

-Reading “How to do the Work” by Nicole LePera and writing out the work

-Setting intentions for the day

I sat with the discomfort, digging into whatever came up, questioning my assumptions and beliefs and all the narratives that were so deeply ingrained they were like cement that needed to be cracked open.

Only after this work was complete would I open up to the outside world.

This morning practice shifted everything and I’ve kept up a similar routine since then. This work shed light on how much the stories in my mind and subconscious played a role in my everyday life. Learning to let those go or simply observe them has helped me tap into an underlying peace that's always been there. I was just too caught up in all the ripples of the mind to realize it.

I began to trust myself more, trust the process, and trust that the universe has my back. Circling back to some of the work I did, I now feel a lot better with where I'm at, knowing we're all on our own paths. I worry way less, especially about anything outside of my control. I'm happy to say I feel no need to reach for a drink to find relief or when socializing. I see it more as a piece of chocolate cake now. When used in moderation, it's delightful and feels great temporarily and you pay for it later on. I am at peace with not having a biological child, ask my friends for help more often, and try to tune into my intuition more than I ever have.

The rush I spoke about earlier- Perhaps we make ourselves extra busy to feel worthwhile, to avoid facing our feelings, or to move us along this imaginary timeline we’ve created. Perhaps our culture is just that competitive that life is a never-ending contest. Whatever it is, I’ll be forever grateful that Spanish culture allowed me to be outside of the race long enough to realize it’s not for me. And hey, if you’re reading this and think the rush suits you well, you do you. I fully believe we’re designed differently. (Human Design Profile listed at the bottom for anyone who knows what I'm talking about.)

Fast forward some months later and visa renewal time came around which always leads expats to question whether to stay or go.

On the surface, the debate was between Spain or the states, but it hit me hard that where I needed to continue going was inward. You can read this in any self-help book, but I needed a smack in the face that finding happiness and peace was my own inside job. And the beauty of it (for my achievers out there) is that by pausing and diving into the self, you do make progress. It just looks and feels different. Even more, this self-intimacy shifts your relationship with every person and experience for the better. There's more room for love, forgiveness, and clarity.

Back to logistics - Maintaining your Spanish visa can be tricky and time-consuming and the more in tune I got with myself, the more I knew I wanted to get out of the city and into nature, so it was either I head to the mountains of Spain and get serious about Spanish or head back to the states and get serious about yoga. I chose yoga, the path to more self-discovery, less visa confusion, and fewer verb conjugations. To add, I really wanted to spend more time with family members and friends whom I love dearly and the majority of them are in NJ. (My Spanish did improve and I can communicate, but I still have a ton to learn and could use a lot of practice. Poco a poco.) I was also going back to the states with a whole new perspective and attitude about life. Plus, everything is temporary, right?

Within a few months after arriving in NJ, I landed a great job as a writing support teacher where I was not spread too thin, and I found a cozy apartment on the ocean. I decided to commit to my first Yoga Teacher Training a few months later. A lot has changed since then, but such is life.

Although I feel a bit out of place and misunderstood at times in the culture that I’m currently in, it’s okay. I still do my best to embody that presence and pace I learned in Europe. I'm still working on how to handle the cost of living, aging, relationships, and many other human experiences. I'm not sure who to give credit to, but we used to end monthly teacher-training meetings with this quote: "This practice is never-ending. It is only just beginning." That is the truth.

I’d say what I gained most from this time was the absolute importance of slowing down, turning inward, and reconnecting with my true nature. I needed to experience a different culture to see my life through a whole new lens, but the reality is that you could do this work in your basement.

For anyone who’s made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. I would love to hear back from you in the comments, via email, or in person. Can you relate? Ask me anything. Tell me anything.

Un abrazo fuerte!

Megan

Swimming hole deep in the mountains outside of central Madrid.

*********

Aquarius sun, Scorpio Moon

2/4 Projector/Orchestrator

*********

*Many friends and experiences not pictured.